It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
me when the borders lift
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.