It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
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JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,