It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
uncle dave has been through hell
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.