It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.