It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut