It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?