It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky