It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
🤣🤣
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you