It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
You Might Also Like
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.