It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
You Might Also Like
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Going to church you guys need anything
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.