It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
#math
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
There are usually two types of merchants.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
me hooking up with my ex
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?