It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?