It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Friday night party time 🥳
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
is this a threat
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you