It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I put the hot in psychotic.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.