“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
i think my razor is having a panic attack
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?