it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
You Might Also Like
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Awesome parenting 😂
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee