It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].