It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
no their not
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out