It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.