@SladeWentworth

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

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@awkwardphilippe

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

@AntifaDiPalma

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

@chuuew

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

@JeffNewtonTV

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

@evecullen610

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

@fatherofcomedy

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

@GrowlyGrego

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

@mompsychologist

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!