@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

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@3sunzzz

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@alexjmann

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

@BobGolen

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

@wickedblondeone

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

@bea_ker

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

@saroanco

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”