“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.