“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.


GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*


Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.


Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.


Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.


I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.


PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*


Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.


My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”