“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.