It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
getting groceries
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it