It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Strange
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.