It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
🤣🤣🤣
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]