It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?