It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
sliding into dms like
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”