It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Overindulged this afternoon.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*