it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
You Might Also Like
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.