It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!