“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts