@iheartgunts
@tyranosex *shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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@tyranosex 
@Donna_McCoy Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
@sofarrsogud ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
@KateWhineHall Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
@sweetmissashley Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
@david8hughes [lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
@SashMoon83 Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
@TheBoydP The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
@shanethevein Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
@mamatomy3 My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.