It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.


ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.


Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.


[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain


Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.


The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…


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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.