It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
You Might Also Like
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Weighing up my bread heating options
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”