(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Lmbo
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
me: my friends:
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.