It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
(True)
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.