It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
doing some research
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
me irl
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
San Francisco has too many rules
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?