It still works 🤷🏼♀️
You Might Also Like
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The Struggle
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.