It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.