It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.