it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Just a reminder, folks:
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around