it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.