It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.