It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
We avoided this particular disaster
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is