It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
only 11 steps left
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Frankenstein?
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