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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Cake!!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.