It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Happy birthday to all the women
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
lost dog
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Who knew!
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
A game married people play.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]