Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Terribly Tuesday.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button