It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
You Might Also Like
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
For those that worship cheese..
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Who.
Did.
This?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
they finally got him. they got macavity
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.