@WilliamAder

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

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@atanenhaus

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

@ch000ch

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

@Laser_Cat

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

@Gre_Gone

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

@GingerHotDish

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

@DontTouchMyWine

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*