It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?


When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.


i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles


My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.


Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.


The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.


Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.


The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy


{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?


Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*