It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
lmfao come on
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on