It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
This is my cat’s medicine.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.