It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.