It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁