It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.